Dead ends

Going through periods of doubt and distance can do the mind some good. Sometimes, failure creates understanding.

4x6 painting I will enter in a show coming up..
(not the one I am talking about in this post)

I feel like my last painting was a failure, but not in all senses. The piece isn't done really, but I don't have a desire to work on it anymore. I am not pleased with the results, but I am content with that fact. It was good for me to destroy something that I liked originally. This small painting, only 4"x6" in size, went through a number of permutations. I have never so dramatically changed a composition, so many times, in one piece. So in that regard, it was a success.

Though I am in the motions of painting, I am not totally into it right now. I am really discovering a love for printmaking. Relief prints, not so much, but etching is where it's at for me. I will take quality pictures of a few prints that I have done, but I am really pleased with the process overall. It feels good to HAVE a process. It is immediately gratifying (or in some cases, disappointing). I guess I have a process with painting. I start, and I respond, putting things where I think they belong. But etching is its own process, before you even get to the image. There's a number of things you have to do before you can even see your picture. That's another thing: I am making pictures. Recognizable pictures. It's different, and again, it feels good to me. I am not saying I want to abandon my forms and ideas, but right now, it's a new vein to travel through that I think I really need. Making "representational" images has been a nice release from my mind, which, at times I feel trapped inside.  My paintings have been suffering throughout the course of my printmaking endeavors. I think, though, it is a necessary evil.

As artists, we have a huge responsibility to art-making. We have to know the past, present and basically, the future of art.

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My pictures are important. Representational or not. 

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I am not built for normalcy or conditioning. 

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I am my own beast. 

And then...

Things are getting better.

My painting is "done" for now. I am not completely satisfied with it, but I think some good things came out of it. I learn something after every painting, and with this painting I learned perseverance. From the beginning it was giving me heartache, and up until the last 24 hours I didn't like it at all. I still am not completely settled with it, but I need to let it rest and exist just how it is for awhile. I think I also realized with this project that art does not make me who I am. I am trying to keep from getting too personal with my work, only in the sense that I don't give myself a hard time if one painting doesn't come out as a masterpiece (which is going to happen more times than I actually create a masterpiece). It's all a process and in the grand scheme of things, every painting is working toward a better one. It's like the great painting that will never really be achieved because you're always working toward the next better one.

Something Matt said today in critique really resonated with me. He said something to the effect that, "your painting will always come after the painting before it, but will always be before your next painting." I can't remember exactly how he said it, but it really made sense and strengthened this idea that my life does not fit into a box called a painting. I will survive through each one. I am the creator but sometimes I have to stop and listen to what the painting wants. Late last night I finished up on this painting, finally bringing it to where it is today, and I was asking myself, "What does this painting NEED?" Not, "What do I want to do to this painting..." It was helpful. The book I am reading for Text and Textiles by Twyla Tharp has been good motivation for me. She has made me realize that every artist (or creative person for that matter) always has trouble starting whatever they are doing. She does this thing where she stamps her foot down on the ground and shouts, "Begin!" It just sets the tone for her starting point, and allows her to BEGIN. That is the hardest part sometimes. It was definitely an issue for me with this work. So last night, as I loathed the idea of painting, I forced myself to the studio, forced my brush into paint, told myself in my head, "Begin," and so I did.

Other nuggets of art inspiration/things to think about....

Art is always creating problems for us to solve

We make art because we hunger for knowledge

Art is evidence of your state of being (BUT does not dictate who YOU are) 

So you might be wondering why there is a picture of a palette on this post...

I was very distraught one day after painting because I had squeezed all this paint (brand new) onto the palette and didn't touch any of it. I was whining to Nicole about it and she says to me, "Why don't you just throw some color on your canvas before you leave?" I said, "No I don't want to do that..." and then she says, "WELL, at least just smear it around so you can cut it up later."

It made me laugh so hard that it was uncontrollable. Other people probably don't think it's funny, it's probably one of those "you had to be there" moments, but I laugh when I remember it, so.....

The beauty of fabrics..

There really is something to be said about the satisfaction in surprise.

 These are my hand-dyed fabrics for my text and textiles class. I was so excited to wash the dye out and finally reveal the patterns and color underneath. These fabrics gave me a satisfaction that painting somehow doesn't. I think it is the element of surprise, the un-knowing. In painting, or at least in my painting, I never really know what it will look like in the end. But there is a gradual work that takes place where I can anticipate what the finish line looks like. With these fabrics, these beautiful, tactile things. I had no idea what to expect, and that was ok. I think I need to apply that same ideal into my painting. It's ok not to know, and to take risks.

 It's hard to choose which piece I like the most. I almost want to leave them how they are and not change them with over-dye. We will see. I had so much fun with the process too. It was relaxing and exciting at the same time.

Objects as objects

With school starting, I haven't had much time for updating the blog. However, I felt that today was a good day to catch up on things. First of all, the more I work, the more I feel like my paintings metamorphosis into their own "thing." I rarely plan out what I am doing. The extent of my planning consists of gathering materials and a surface. Though I guess I am always prepared with knowledge and a comfortableness within my own context of painting, so I somewhat will always have a degree of expectation. The work above is our "second" painting in painting class. I am just going with it. I actually stole some images from R.H. Quaytman ( I have been reading more about her work, and the more I read the more interested I become). The pyramid-like shape is from one of her pieces and was kind of a jumping off point for me in this painting. Since then I just have been adding and adding, letting whatever comes out of my brain happen on the canvas. Matt said something to me that really resonated. He commented that I always feel like I have to "start over" when I have a new painting, and that I give myself a harder time than I need to. It's true that I have a, "So what have you done for me lately?," attitude, but I DO need to lighten up a bit. I need to get over the fact that there will be motifs that want to occur again and again in the work, and I just have to let them. 

In class we also had a small discussion about paintings, or any work for that matter, representing themselves as objects and not as a metaphor for something else. For some reason this idea was hard for me to grasp. We have been conditioned for so long to think, "Here's my painting...this is my idea...this is how I constructed that idea...etc., etc.," It's a very strange thing to let a painting or image or thing exist as itself and not try and attach something to it. I need to think about that some more...On another note, I have been doing a lot of reading and I think that it is helping me clarify some ideas, or at least give me some new things to think about. There is so much information out in the world, I wish I could absorb it all. 

I am going to try to enter in 2 Juried shows in the next few months. One is with the Utah Division of Arts and Museums, and another is with an online gallery called, "Upstream People Gallery." I need to put my work out there. 

While perusing through the online gallery website archives, I stumbled upon this artist that I was particularly attracted to. Her structures and forms are similar to mine and also her color palette. Just some visual eye-candy....

By the way her name is Minerva Ortiz